It might surprise you, but there are porn stars who do not date their co-stars. For example, I don’t date talent, and the same is true with Kimberly Kane and Belladonna. Granted, there’s girls who find their boyfriends among the numerous males that populate their gangbangs, but there’s something to be said about coming home to a regular joe.
I can’t speak for every woman in this business, but here’s my five reasons why I look outside the set for male companionship.
1. You never get away from work.
Porn is work. There, I said it. Yes, I love my job and yes, there isn’t anything else I’d rather do with my life. But I also need time to decompress and just be me. As I’ve written before, being a porn star isn’t so much a career as it is an identity, but at home, sometimes I want to be someone other than internationally known performer Bobbi Starr. If your SO is a performer, you’ll never get away from it. You’ll gossip about people in the industry and bitch about who’s doing what to who.
2. (Some) directors and producers in the industry are dicks.
As much as I’d like to say everyone gets along in the industry and gets together for cookouts where we all make s’mores and sing Kumbayah around the campfire, it’s just not true. This is the same as any other business and there are some people you will just not get along with. Some will promise you a role and then cast it with someone else. Some will try to pay you less than what you agreed to. Some people you just don’t get along with. If your boyfriend also works in this business, they’ll also get caught in the crossfire of all that toxic bullshit, which will cause tension at home.
3. (Some) women in the industry are bitches.
You also won’t get along with all the women you meet in this business. But imagine how complicated things get if your boyfriend’s job and livelihood is to have sex with other women. You want to be angry, but really, how can you be? It’s just business. If it does bother you enough, you could force him to have a “no” list though that’s rare for men and that would limit his career progression. You could only agree to do scenes with each other, but most directors hate shooting couples and in the end your career would be very short lived. So ultimately, you have to grit your teeth while your boyfriend does an anal scene with Mary Jane Rottencrotch, then grind them together if the scene wins an award.
4. The men this business can be…difficult.
I’m not saying all male porn stars are high maintenance, but every girl in the industry has a story about a guy who thought the scene was all about him. In their minds, many male performers think of themselves as studs who the fans are paying to see and not the other way around. The funny thing is that the top men in this business are all about the women — but I digress. I’m sure some women are fine with boyfriends who take longer to get ready for a night out than they do, but that’s just not for me. Ever.
5. Are you fucking your boyfriend as a porn star, or as a girlfriend?
Finally, there’s the issue of who you are in a relationship. If my man is outside of the performer pool, I know I’m his girlfriend. If he works on camera, who are we fucking as? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Two porn stars? Communications sometimes break down in a relationship, so what happens when one wants what the other doesn’t want to give that night? Your professional lives also ultimately intrude on your personal life. Maybe I had a rough multiple guy scene, and I really can’t have sex that night. Or maybe he has to work early the next day, so he has to make sure he has a load to shoot. Sex requires a schedule when you’re both sex workers. You might be laughing, but these are real considerations in a porn relationship — and why I’m happy to date a regular guy.