Observations • 07.06.12
Onanist with Toy Gun in His Ass Raises the Bar for Distracted Driving
It goes without saying that distracted driving is a problem. I’m not just talking about talking on a cell phone while driving, I’m not just talking about texting while driving and I’m not even talking about Tweeting while driving. (“OMG, 405 is a parking lot! LOL! #LAtrafficsucks” — seriously, who does that?)
I’m talking about masturbating while driving. But this isn’t the case of your usual flick of the clit or the usual case rubbing one out. A Florida man (in a moment you’ll be rolling your eyes and saying, “That figures”) was caught choking his chicken with a toy gun in his ass, that was also tied to his nuts and legs.
Clearly, this is some who’s moved far beyond erotic self-asphyxiation. Who gets off on that anymore?
Unsurprisingly, he has a record for lewd behavior and defacing traffic signs. Surprisingly, he was married (though he was later divorced).
On a serious note, put down the toy gun and don’t jerk off behind the wheel. No amount of kinky self-gratification is worth the risk.
Especially if you get pulled over.
Art Imitates Porn. Wrap Your Head Around that Around Your Head.
I’ve written a lot about how parodies in the adult industry are often not so much parodies, but the more often than not the same movie with some sex scenes thrown in.
(For those of you who slept through your English classes, parodies are supposed to be comedic takes on popular material. Think the ads in “Saturday Night Live,” “The Naked Gun” movies and cop movies and any Kardashian-related reality show to, well, reality.)
But in a strange case of art imitating…porn, I suppose, Andrew Garfield, the new Peter Parker/Spider-Man said he watched the Spider-Man porn parody a few times and added:
“I watched it more from an inspirational stand point than from a sexual standpoint. I think you can find inspiration from anywhere when it comes to this character because it’s everyone’s; it belongs to everyone.
A couple things — Wasn’t the last Spider-Man movie like, a year ago or something? I also think Disney/Marvel would take exception that Spider-Man belongs to everyone.
You’d Think Tennessee Would Know Something about Barn Doors After Things Have Left Them…
Some people go to The Onion when they’re looking for a laugh. However, the amusing anecdotes I bring to all of you is real news. Otherwise I’d just make stuff up about Batboy and Elvis and aliens, like the now defunct Weekly World News (or as they’re known now, Fox News).
So when something comes from the Baptist Press, which bills itself as “News with a Christian Perspective,” you know this is going to be good.
Lawmakers in Tennessee have outlawed the use of sex toys and getting kids to talk about sexually explicit shenanigans. Apparently, there is no internet in Tennessee, but no surprises there. The good people at the Family Action Council of Tennessee found that abstinence groups were promoting practically every other sexual act except fucking (and I’m sure it’s it has nothing to do with an abstinence program they’re looking to fund).
You see, the state requires schools teach sex education after teen pregnancies exceeds a threshold. Wait, wait? Isn’t that the case of shutting the barn doors after the sperm’s run out? Literally? And really? Teaching abstinence AFTER the homecoming queen’s knocked up? All of this really is faith-based isn’t it?
The new law also prohibits the distribution of contraceptives (of course) and that above all else, only abstinence eliminates all risk.
You know what else eliminates all risk of pregnancy? Gay sex. Oh, right…
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