FaceTime and Naked Ladies. Here We Go Again…

Some ideas won’t die.

Take the case of the built-in video chat software in iPhones, iPads and (optionally) Macintosh computers, Video chat’s nothing new on computers though until recently (when webcams were built into devices) having a camera connected to your computer was a giveaway that you got naked on the Internet.

It’s only natural that someone comes to the conclusion that with the introduction of FaceTime, naked women, in addition to the perceived additional income Apple users have because of the premium they pay for their devices (which has been debunked as a myth) it should equal profit, right?

Not exactly. IP4Play tried a similar business model featuring porn stars, but folded after a few months. Now another company, UK-based Saucytime, is trying to cash in where IP4Play could not. Their secret weapon? Lap dancers you’ve probably never heard of.

Look, all technology is used for sex, and Apple’s products are used extensively in the adult business. But if Apple’s good at one thing, it’s fetishizing their products to point where the last thing you’d want to do is smear your man-goo after an x-rated FaceTime session across your iPhone 4S’ touch sensitive screen.

More importantly, holding that iPhone, or worse, that iPad out an arm’s length while you’re doing or watching a show would just be torture.


Siri Will Be Your Accomplice to a Number of Crimes, but is Surprisingly Conservative. Or is it?

Speaking of the iPhone 4S, have you seen the videos of Siri in action?

For those of you not in the know, Siri is the assistant built into the iPhone that responds to voice commands and the spoken word. It can answer questions about the atomic weight of carbon, plutonium or Superman’s favorite element, krypton, text people via voice and even read texts to you. Users are finding that Siri also pulls up information about nearby medical pot shops if you say you want to get high, escorts when you’re horny and a list of dumps, swamps and other out of the way places when you need to get rid of a body.

A friend will help you move, but Siri will help you hide a dead hooker — that you found through her, after getting high at a pot shop you also found through her. Take that, judgmental meatbags!

Or is she the judgmental one?

Turns out when you ask Siri for an abortion clinic, she clams up and claims there’s no clinics around, even when there are facilities in the area.

To be fair, Apple says it’s a kink in Siri (she’s a work in progress) and it will be worked out. Do I believe them? Absolutely. But what’s interesting is the kind of scrutiny the media and people in general put Apple products through.

“Apple hates abortion!” is the message some bloggers practically screamed in their posts.

With the amazing success Apple’s had in the last 10 years, the company’s found itself under a microscope that sometimes leads to absurd conclusions. Nothing is safe, not even questions about sex (hookers) and the aftermath of sex (abortions). Other than 12 year old boys, can you imagine anyone giving any other device this degree of review.


Sex Addiction — Don’t Believe the Hype.

In a cover story on the Nov. 25 issue of Newsweek, bold letters shout, “It wrecks marriages, destroys careers, and saps self-worth.”

Considering the hysteria the magazine is trying to stoke, I respect their restraint in not using an exclamation point. But that’s the only ounce of respect I’ll give.

But OMFGWTFBBQ guys, what is this? Some kind of secret al-Queda thing? Ebola? Al-Queda ebola? It’s al-Queda ebola, isn’t it?! We’re fucked!

“Yet Americans are being diagnosed as sex addicts in record numbers. Inside an epidemic.”

Oh right. Sex addiction — because a national news magazine has nothing else to cover, considering the Occupy protests going on across the country, the two wars we’re engaged in and the recession we’re still in. Right.

There’s nothing new in this article. It’s a parade of sad people who feel guilty about having anonymous sex with people in public bathrooms, backseats of cars and in clown colleges. Wait, what? Yeah, I made that last part up — because really, it’s like Newsweek more or less made up a lot of this article.

It goes without saying that porn was brought up as a symptom and a cause for sex addiction, though for the purposes of being complete in my disgust, I will say it.

“Facing her second divorce as well as the end of an affair, she grew despondent and attempted to take her life by overdosing on prescription medication. Awakening in the ICU, she at last understood what she had become: a sex addict.

Or, you know, maybe she had other problems to begin with. Rational people just don’t down pills in a suicide attempt. But you know what else rational people do? Have sex. I’ve heard rational people also like sex and have lots of it. Even in public restrooms, backseats of cars and clown colleges.

So let’s see: rational people have sex. Rational people like sex. But irrational people try to kill themselves. Also, irrational people sometimes do rational things, but rational people do not do irrational things.

I think it’s evident what the REAL problem here is. See how logic works, kids?

“It’s a national epidemic,” says Steven Luff, coauthor of Pure Eyes: A Man’s Guide to Sexual Integrity and leader of the X3LA sexual-addiction recovery groups in Hollywood.

If anyone is an expert and should be counted on for an unbiased view on this subject, it’s some guy who’s written a book about “sexual integrity” and runs a sex addiction recovery group. In Hollywood, no less. No way this guy is self-serving.

“I was meeting girls on the basketball court, in the club, pulling my car over to meet them on the street,” Tony recalls. 

You know what my publicist would call this? A good day. Bonus points that he didn’t have to use his AK that day as well. (It is LA, after all.)

If discussion of sex addiction can seem like an exclusive domain of men, that’s because, according to sex therapists, the overwhelming majority of self-identifying addicts—about 90 percent—are male. Women are more often categorized as “love addicts,” with a compulsive tendency to fall into dependent relationships and form unrealistic bonds with partners.  

So this is what it all comes down to, then? Men like sex, therefore, addiction to sex must be a problem? Women are women and only want to fall in love, so an addiction to falling in love must be a problem?

The worst part of the “sexual addiction” myth isn’t the bad science or that people claiming to be addicted have deeper problems than they’re willing to admit. It’s that in the end, it’s all about gender stereotypes and their use as an excuse for whatever problems they already have.