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Ways BF’s Kill A Girls Career

By Bobbi Starr

8 November 2011 5,947 views 21 Comments

Maintaining a relationship, even in the best of times, is tricky.

Maintaining a relationship in the adult business is magnitudes trickier.

Stick around in this business long enough and you see patterns emerge. There’s the girl who comes in with a boyfriend/husband. Sometimes this male has dreams of finding his fame and fortune through the business end of his erect penis, which rarely happens. There’s also the girl who hooks up with a performer/cameraman/director in the industry and sometimes, there’s the girl who dates a civilian (like yours truly).

Guys like to think they are cool and detached when it comes to sex. That the women get clingy and emotional and can’t make the hard decisions when it comes to someone they’re having sex with on camera.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Like a Mandelbrot set, there are patterns within patterns. Not only do you see the common archetype of porno boyfriends/husbands, but you also see similar behaviors in each type. More often than not, men can’t stand the thought of their hot, porn star girlfriend getting railed by someone with a bigger dick, so they start taking actions that have a negative effect on their significant other’s career (my boyfriend, though, really is an awesome guy).

More often than not, the “help” they give usually winds up hindering them in the long run.

So for you ladies who’ve always wanted to know how having a boyfriend in this business affects your work, this list’s for you.

Boyfriend/husband becomes her “manager” — If there’s one constant in the industry, it’s guys wanting in to this business. One of the better ways to skip your time as some mope in a bukkake is to come in with a hot girlfriend/wife. But that rarely works (see above). So what’s the next best thing? Managing her career. More often than not this person is duplicating the work of an agent she already has, with little knowledge of the industry. Their usefulness in actually managing talent is questionable.

Boyfriend/husband convinces her to only do bondage/BDSM movies — Fetish shoots, for the most part, do not usually mix sex with pain or being tied up in anyway (though some Internet sites are lenient about this rule). When an up and coming starlet is in a relationship with a guy who can’t take the idea of her taking the dick from someone else, getting a little black and blue seems like a good idea. However, there’s not much work performing exclusivley in bondage and BDSM work, and for a girl with only a few movies to her credit, it’s more often than not a one-way ticket to obscurity especially if she’s not into it.

Boyfriend/husband convinces her to only do girl/girl scenes — Call it a variation on a theme. Only this time, it’s girl/girl action, not being tied up to a post and whipped. The outcome, if she’s done a fair amount of gangbangs and double penetrations to her credit, is more of the same inevitable anonymity. As much as I love sex, I’m a performer as a means to support myself. Limiting the kind of work that you do leads to fewer jobs. If a boyfriend or husband was truly supportive, they’d understand that limiting the kinds of scenes you can be in stunts your options in this industry.

The boyfriend/husband is the only guy she’ll work with — Weak male performers in this business don’t last. For every guy that wants to get in, there’s another five waiting for their shot. Directors and producers talk, and a bad reputation is hard to shake. It’s Darwinism at work. But every so often, a girl comes in and she’ll only work with one man. Yes, initially they’ll both get work because there’s no pussy like new pussy. But the work dries up. Why? More often than not, the guy is a weak performer. But even if it works out watching the same two people having sex gets boring… unless you’re one of the two. (This often leads directly to him “managing” her career, as mentioned above.)

The boyfriend/husband takes her away from all this — I’m not going to lie. Some girls do find sugar daddies. But it’s rare. More often than not, the story you hear is of a girl who got into the business, did a fair amount of scenes and was on track for a bright future, but a boyfriend or husband begged her to come back to wherever she came from. She goes from being able to support herself and then some to being under her man’s thumb for everything.

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wpt39

So what’s the solution? Porn star wants normal relationship, but places huge burden on partner encompassing an acceptance of consistent physical cheating (under the guise of “it’s for the money”).
- Patrick McNabb
  
  Cheating is sex without your partner’s consent/knowledge. Bobbi’s boyfriend obviously knows and consents. There are no guises.
  - wpt39
    
    Valid. I’ll rephrase: “porn star is looking for a normal relationship with the expectation their partner will accept consistent physical intamacy with other people on a regular basis.”
    - Jessica
      
      Exactly. That’s not so bad, is it?
      
      It’s just a caveat for the job in the same way as a job that requires odd hours, business trips, long-hauls…or if you want to talk the physical ramifications there are a lot of different labor jobs that can leave you exhausted. A sore jaw from sex or sore wrists and carpal tunnel from a keyboard are really just similar issues.
      
      The burden as such is just a person’s ability to deal with the stresses these things put on a relationship. If a person can’t handle not seeing their SO for days at a time, then you don’t date someone who travels for business–and if a person can’t handle their SO having sex with other people, then you don’t date someone who has sex as part of their business.
- RodeoBob
  
  wpt39 – you’re packing an awful lot of assumptions in very short remarks…
  
  ” Porn star wants normal relationship…”
  What do you mean by “normal”? It sounds like you’re assuming that “normal” automatically always means “sexually active and monogamous”. (or at least “the woman is always monogamous”…)
  
  “…places huge burden on partner encompassing an acceptance of…”
  
  Part of a normal, healthy relationship is that your partner accepts who you are and what you do for a living. If your partner can’t accept your chosen calling, they’re probably not a healthy partner or a good match. This is true whether you’re a porn star, a musician, a televangelist, or a tax attorney.
  
  If I’m pursuing a career I enjoy and am good at, my partner damn well better accept that, or they won’t be a partner any more! (hell, if they’re not supporting me, they’re not really a partner to begin with…)
  
  “…consistent physical cheating…”
  Cheating is an interesting word to use. Cheating means “breaking the rules”. But what about partnerships that don’t have sexual exclusivity as a rule? Open marriages exist. Every major city in the U.S. has at least one swinger’s club. And almost every relationship begins in a non-monogamous “dating” stage. Larry David’s “Curb Your Enthusiasm” had a joke about him getting a “free pass” for one sexual indiscretion after a decade of marriage. A lot of couples are “monogomish“.
  
  It’s only “cheating” if both parties agree to a rule of exclusivity. And it’s not a real partnership unless both parties openly agree to all the conditions around sex.
  
  It’s also interesting that you talk about “physical cheating”. It means you realize there’s a distinction between sexual activity and emotional and/or mental intimacy. Obviously, not every sexual encounter you’ve had was emotionally intimate or mentally meaningful, so clearly you realize sometimes sex is just sex. Now all you need to do is make the leap from “one night stands” and “hookups” to “paid, professional performers”. WWE wrestlers get physically assaulted every time they perform, but they’re not violent thugs always looking for a fight. Porn stars fuck on camera, but that doesn’t make the sex anything more than sex.
  
  It’s really odd that this is a sticking point for you. Consider all the time you spend with a girlfriend/boyfriend. Mentally estimate the number of minutes in a date, the time spent eating dinner, watching movies, going to shows, doing whatever non-sexual activities you do with your partner. Now think about how much time is spent on sex. Again, in a healthy, adult relationship, you’ll spend a lot more time not fucking the other person but talking to them, listening to them, and just hanging around them.
  
  (under the guise of “it’s for the money”).
  …another odd word choice; ‘guise’ implies a false presentation concealing an underlying truth. If “it’s for the money” is false, what do you believe the “truth” is? You think porn stars genuinely enjoy the monotony of having to shoot and re-shoot scenes, of having to hold uncomfortable and odd poses because it gives a better camera angle? Or do you believe that sexual exclusivity is the only appropriate compensation for being a caring, supportive partner?
  - http://www.facebook.com/people/Dale-Ealey/100000568212249 Dale Ealey
    
    Boy talk about a can of worms. I’m not just replying to one person. As Bobbi said it takes an “awesome person’ to be in a relationship with someone whose vagina and anus are regularly invaded by horse sized cocks. I think that’s the problem many men would have. Let’s face it, for men sex is all external. With women it’s internal, it happens inside them, where they live. I’ve read more than one interview with performers who are in a relationship and say they don’t have vaginal/anal sex with their partners when they’re working because they’d be too sore on set. And If they’re working a lot, well…
    And how someone can compare sex work to any other type of work is beyond me. Sore jaw from a blow job = carpal tunnel, traveling for work = fucking someone else! PLEASE.
    Don’t date someone who has a job you can’t live with. Come on; human nature??? Girl says she’ll never date a street cop because she couldn’t live with someone who’s life is continually in danger. Meets this guy who’s a street cop, they click. They date, she really likes him but she’s already told him how she feels. HE eventually wants to be exclusive, she tells him; you request a desk job or forget about.
    Adult performer meets this guy. She is really attracted to him. He tells her how he feels up front but he really likes her. They date, he’s not serious but she’s sweet and he really likes. Meanwhile she’s fallen in love. He tells her I can’t be with you if you fuck other guys.
    In both cases it’s all about chemistry. There is no rhyme or reason to attraction despite our best intentions. So much for “Don’t date someone who……(fill in the blank).
    Bobbi has written this post from a female performer point of view and this train has really gotten off the track. I’ve just followed along.
    OK. Performers: Don’t take any chances by dating civilians. Only date people who are also working in the industry.
  - fuck society
    
    Shut the fuck up already. There is nothing normal about a bitch wanting to fuck for a living. Shes just that, a filthy hoer.
    - cjd2004
      
      “hoer”?
http://www.facebook.com/people/Dale-Ealey/100000568212249 Dale Ealey

Well Bobbi that was a cheery post. Now if i’ve got this right a women who has a significant other can’t be maximumly successful if she only does girl/girl scenes. So I guess the small number of women that I see over and over again who do g/g, and the lesbian performers are really missing out. I guess I’m rather ignorant of the workings of the adult business but I’m afraid I couldn’t really be “an awesome guy”.
Oh, word to Scarlett.
- Reb
  
  I think she is referring to those that were doing BG and then stopped or scaled back.
http://twitter.com/ElohimUgarit PG King

I wish I was a porn star and had a girlfriend.
Anonymous

Dear Miss Starr,
I have heard quite a few pornstars talking about these “civilians”, as if they are some other-worldly people. YOU are a civilian. Unless I am mistaken, not hailing from the USA, are you not bound by exactly the same laws and regulations as the people you mingle with every day, while you work, do your shopping, eat at a restaurant, pay for your gas? The very same laws that your civilian man has to abide by? Is it not the case in the USA that the only people who are NOT civilians and therefore subject to different laws and regs are members of the Armed Forces, Police, certain Government Agencies etc (when on duty)? Discuss. This is not a rant by the way. I’m just very finicky. Personally, I think you are very beautiful and fantastic at what you do. There, I’ve balanced it out. Thank you.
- RodeoBob
  
  Bobbi is using the term “civilians” in a post-modern sense. Police and members of the armed forces, as a regular part of their duties, are exposed to experiences that are truly unique to their roles, and difficult to communicate to persons who have never been in those roles. My ex-Army buddy says there’s nothing quite like being shot at, and he can’t really describe it to me; he says it’s just something you have to live through.
  
  Double-anal as part of a gang-bang? Yeah, I don’t think you can really describe an experience like that with someone who’s never had group sex. Porn stars talk about “civilians” only in the context of the difference between sexual encounters of porn stars versus sexual encounters of people working outside the sex industry. Talking about “civilians” in this sense is just as appropriate for porn stars, international relief workers, and extreme sports junkies as it is for firefighters and CIA employees.
  - Anonymous
    
    I understand what you are saying, but I was simply making the point that Miss Starr is a civilian in that if, for example, she breaks the speed limit in her home town she WILL get a ticket/fine like the rest of us…etc etc. She is NOT exempt. For your information, I think Miss Starr is a mold breaker. I believe she has the capacity, drive and nous to change things…..if she really wants to. I check her ‘blogs’ every now and again and enjoy reading them. They are very thoughtful and insightful. I am not a porn ‘fanatic’…. but Miss Starr is more than just porn. Just my humble opinion. Thank you.
Anonymous

Yes I know, I said MAN. I am assuming. My apologies.
- Effect
  
  I think Bobbi Starr’s BF needs to get a JOB and stop mooching off his successful porn star GF. What a loser.
http://juliland.com/ Scarlett Stone

Thank you Bobbi, love the post.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000874117111 Gregory Dittman

I would say 98% of the female porn stars are in it for the money. That’s why females get paid so much even for a simple lap dance with their clothes on. Even Puff Daddy has to hire strippers at his parties to be surrounded by pretty women. It starts in high school where girls would put out as long as the guy gave her stuff like concert tickets, expensive clothes and free meals (I’m skipping over the alcohol, smokes and drugs).

I would say 50% stay in for just 20 or less softcore/hardcore movies plus photo shoots just so they can pay their student loans and or a car. 48% more problable stay in for 4 or 5 years, because they also want a house and maybe money to start a business. Finally there are the 2 percent that last a little longer with maybe a tenth of a percent lasting 10 years.They just happen to find boyfriends because that’s just the age when women are really dating in general.

These 98% know not to say they are in it for the money because they aren’t going to get hired if the director knows they are just going to say,”Oh daddy oh daddy oh” in the shot while admiring their fingernails. If you ever wonder why vanilla porn hasn’t changed since porn was first filmed, that’s the reason. A director isn’t going to waste his or her time training people for somnething like DP if they aren’t going to be in the business the next day and they never do do overs. Many of these women are so hit and run that by the time the bad word spreads on these women, they are already out of the business. After all, they get a three to six month window before the first body of work shows up.

I would say the boyfriend/husband thing is an excuse to leave the industry. Any guy wanting to be a male performer should watch Evan Stone’s speech on youtube on what is required. For a vanilla film, a guy has to masturbate in front of a crew for 5 hours straight without coming or going soft. As far as boyfriends trying to run the show as a manager, I would say to the director to stay clear. She maybe bad/not into it or another Marilyn Chambers (who had serious problems with her boyfriend/husband during her porn career).
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M Miles

It’s a pity there are so many insecure people that would hurt and restrict another person to improve their own ego. Granted, a relationship with a porn star it’s a tricky situation, certainly not for everybody… But if someone can’t handle this sort of relationship the LEAST they could do is not harming their partner.

It’s tough. Best of luck to all performers out there.